Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Who Says.....

You can't go home?

BOTH my Mom and my Dad taught me that if I want something bad enough - I can make it happen.
There has never been any "thing" in life that I really want.  Really want.
I'm not into "things." Not like everyone else around me is.
While everyone is chasing some"thing,"  I've always been chasing a memory.
A sight.  A feeling.  Belonging.  I'm nostalgic.  Always have been.
There are places, visions, sounds, smells and feelings from my past that I simply can't shake.
No matter how hard I try.
Can't get rid of.  Can't quite grasp.  It's an uncomfortable state to be in.

There has never been anything I've wanted any more than to go "home."
 I've lived in Florida, I live in North Carolina, and I've traveled the country -
but there is no place I have ever wanted to be, more than I want to be - home.
Cleveland. Westlake. Lakewood. Rocky River.  They are all home to me.
Still home.

Can it happen?  Is it possible?  Can he help me?
So uncertain.  But I want it so badly.

My kids are here .
My life is here.
But my home ... is there.

If I could just get a place for "sometimes."
For "part time."

I found a place. Underneath "the" bridge."
The bridge I traveled every Saturday with my Gram, on the way to her house in Lakewood. Alongside the River, at the mouth of Lake Erie.
Across from the park. It's so beautiful.
Brand new and shiny. Yet so old and familiar.

"He" says - "you can live there like a hobbit - under the bridge with your memories and dreams."

"I" say - "I can breath again - and feel alive again, in the place where I belong.   It would only be "part time....
For  when the bulbs first bloom.
For when the leaves first change.
For when the snow first falls.
Every few months - for just a few weeks.

"He" laughs and says, "leave it to me."
"I" say - "if only."

I would be happy so with that.
It would be just what I need -
to make me feel whole again.
I forget what it's like.....
to feel whole.

1 comment:

The Idaho Beauty said...

I so get this. It was the way I felt when I was trying to figure out where to live when I was ready to leave the midwest. Somewhere in the mountains. Somewhere that reminds me of where I grew up. Why did it take me so long to quit looking for places that reminded me of home and just check out home? But as soon as I did, it was clear as day that was where I needed to be (although not my home town, but near it for reasons I won't bother you with). When I did get moved I couldn't believe the sense of release being among familiar vistas, hearing the familiar place names on the radio and tv, even some of the same businesses! It was as if my brain didn't have to work hard anymore and I could just be. I hope this works out for you because you are very right. At some point in our lives, we just need to go home...

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